


Don't Panic, You'll Fall

by XXCattyCastielXX



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Fighting, M/M, Shiro is a Mess, Ugh, Yelling, ghost matt?, i've only posted two stories and I hate tags, lots and lots of angst, matt /was/ a mess, poor matt gets just owned by shiro, shiro didn't deserve this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-05 05:33:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12788118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XXCattyCastielXX/pseuds/XXCattyCastielXX
Summary: Matthew Holt struggles with insecurities, he's overwhelmed and Shiro is the one who ends up paying for it."The notebook had been nearly filled to the brim with his complainants, day to day life and just thoughts. Average things anyone would write in a journal. He had many notes and works from his projects within the confines of these pages, all while he poured his heart and soul into it. As this man felt as if he had no one left. At least that's how he left, he felt as if no one was on his side and would brush off his problems as if they were nothing." (Chapter 1)





	1. Chapter 1

Journal Entry #58

Hey, it's Matt again... back at it again with that depressing shit. Yeah, life is just a big box of chocolates and I've gotten nothing but those stale orange filled dark chocolate ones. I don't know what's going on with me. I wish there was someone that could tell me... then again, I don't want anyone to know. What don't they know right? It might just kill me though. Katie would never forgive me if she found out about this, and hell I'm sure mom and dad would just brush it off. They act like they really care till it comes to things like this. 'Oh, my sweet Matthew would never hurt himself'. Ugh, sometimes I envy mom...

I'm rambling, aren't I? I don't know, there's just a lot on my chest right now and I can't seem to get it off. You know? Like someone has sat on my chest, I can't breathe, I constantly feel like the world is closing in on me. Wow.. I sound edgy. I'm serious though.

You know how in movies, when time stands still and it's the main character just standing there, unsure of what to do. Are they moving too fast? Well for me it's more like the world is moving by so quickly - I'm the one in slow-mo here. Because everything is so overwhelming and stressful. Ugh, why can't it all be over? Why can't I just end it all right now? It would solve all my problems as then... then I could get away from them all.

Hi, I'm Matthew Holt, and this will be one of my last journal entries. You've been a great listener, and hey, if someone is ever reading these. I'm sorry. I really am, I'm sorry I was selfish and I couldn't fix myself. But don't cry for me, don't be sad when I'm gone. It was my choice, just know, I'm happier now. It's not your fault. You couldn't have prevented this, maybe, in the end, I didn't want it to be prevented. Maybe I was always supposed to end up like this. Just dead. I'm better off this way, who have I ever helped anyways? I'm just that socially awkward kid that no one likes...

And Shiro, if you're reading this. Know I love you. I will always love you. I should have told you what was going on I know, but at the end of the day, I couldn't bear to let you see me like this. I feel safer having you never know, I know that's wrong because then you might blame yourself but this is far from your fault. You have enough of your problems, I don't want to add mine to that.

-Matthew Holt

Why do you want to be here?

Matt felt like some kind of teenager, as he scribbled out these thoughts into the old beat up leather-bound notebook. The notebook had been nearly filled to the brim with his complainants, day to day life and just thoughts. Average things anyone would write in a journal. He had many notes and works from his projects within the confines of these pages, all while he poured his heart and soul into it. As this man felt as if he had no one left. At least that's how he left, he felt as if no one was on his side and would brush off his problems as if they were nothing.

That wasn't the case, but he didn't know that. He knew he was struggling, he was struggling terribly and didn't know how to ask for help. Matthew was scared and he feared everything but accepted death like it was an old friend.

What do you ever see here?

So there he was, sitting on the edge of his bed. He thought of everything in these last few moments. He knew he should write out something, something for each of his family members, in that case, they knew what happened. But a part of him didn't want to move. And he didn't, instead, the man sat still in the silence for many a moment. He's done his research on this, on which ways were the most painful and most painless, on the different medications he could take and how much he should take of each one to make it work. He knew which pills would take longer and which ones might not work in the end. Matthew had razors, but he was a bit of a wussy to actually do that. He wanted everything to end but he was to a point where instead of not feeling anything he can feel everything. Every little thing hurt. 

If he went into detail it would sound something like, his heart was constantly strained in his chest. Beating so hard it left him breathless all the time, his head would spin with the thoughts of only those fallen too far into the illness. He never thought he was one to fall victim to such a mental illness, alas... Here he was. It had snuck up on him like his stress. Matthew found himself feeling tired more than normal, he had no will to do anything and half the time he just didn't want to get out of bed. There was so much that he didn't feel like doing, and so much he used to love that now feels oh-so-bland. 

That doesn't make you feel worse than you do

"I'm sorry..." He murmured to himself, throwing his hands into his hair and gripping tightly, "I'm sorry I'm like this- I'm sorry I had to be this way." He choked on his words, feeling a lump fill in his throat. Anxiety swirled in his stomach like a hurricane, and just like the eye of a hurricane. It was silent. Matt fell back into the only safe place he had left. His bed. Letting the blankets and pillows to consume him and his problems. To make him feel like he was apart of something more, apart of something warm and comforting.

When his phone rang.

There was a stillness. Matt laid on the sheets of the bed, staring up at the ceiling, letting the ringtone he once thought was fun to play through the room. It was shiro. Every Part of him told him to get up and answer the call, to make Shiro think that everything was okay and that he was fine and not in a spot of such despair. But his muscles said otherwise. Keeping him strained in the spot that he was. Unsure of what he could do the man forced himself up. Ache shot through him as if it was a tactic his body knew to keep him in that spot. It didn't work.

"Hey, baby!" The voice chimed on the other end of the phone, Matt felt his heart ease in the voice. Shiro somehow always did that. It, however, made his stomach twist up more, he felt terrible. He wanted to spill everything to the man he loved. Maybe he could help but then something inside of Matt told him to don't. Shiro had his own problems, he didn't need Matt's on top of that. "Hey, Shiro.." Matt's voice was soft and weak, he sounded more tired than anything else which he silently thanked any celestial body for.

And tell me, What's the use of feeling, Blue?

"Is this a bad time?" Shiro asked that worry was in his voice. A worry that otherwise used to calm Matt, used to make him feel cared for. But right then, it felt so... annoying. Why did Shiro always have to worry about him? Did he not trust Matt, was that the case? Did he just constantly think that Matt wasn't okay? Well.. that wouldn't be far from true. That was beside the point, "No no, just late." He lied, gazing up in the dark. He could feel the darkness swell around in, it filling his throat choking away his breath and words. Stealing his thoughts away till it was nothing. He was empty.

"I guess it is." Shiro's voice and slight chuckle at the end of his words vanished the darkness nearly instantly. As the darkness pulled away and retreated to its corners, Matt couldn't help but feel like he was missing something. Like the darkness was supposed to be there and that he was nothing but an empty husk without it. "Did you just get off work?" Matt asked he shifted onto his side, pressing the phone between his ear and the gulping sheets of the bed. The soft rustling gave shiro the clue that Matt must have already been in bed. "I did yeah, Thought I'd see if you were still up." Shiro laughed awkwardly when he didn't get a response he kept talking: "Maybe to see if you were down for a late movie or coming over... But I'll let you get to bed."

How can you stand to be here with it all?

Matt felt no guilt for letting shiro down like this. He normally would have felt some sort of tang, knowing Shiro wanted to spend time with him. They used to catch late movies all the time, and afterward, they'd go get fast food and see how sick they could make themselves in the parking lot. They would go get slushies and sit up on the top of Shiro's car and just watch the stars for hours, sometimes they would talk about everything and anything and other times they would lay in total silence. Matt would miss that... He would miss the nights when he would go over to Shiro's, where he could escape his family and let his world become a blur of passion and lust. He would miss the early mornings and smell of coffee or the way he fit against Shiro's chest.

Drowning in all this regret?

"Yeah.. sorry, just had a long day." Matt murmured into the speaker of the phone. He could hear Shiro's sigh even though he knew the phone had been pulled away some to try and hide it. He could even hear the slight disappointment in Shiro's tone of voice, "Well Goodnight honey. I love you." Matt's heart felt like it started to beat for the first time in forever, emotions hit him that he hadn't felt in so long. But the darkness that crept out slowly engulfed those feelings. "Night." And with that, he clicked the phone call off.

So tell me,

In matt's final moments he thought back to Shiro, he thought of how they met and their relationship; so sweet and passionate. A relationship he knew would burn out as fast as it sparked up. He thought of his sister and how she would go on to be a better everything than he. She would get the better opportunities and go on to become such a great women. He thought of his parents and how he knew he was nothing more than a disappointment to them, how he should have gotten rid of himself years ago for their sake. He thought of his friends, of Shiro's brother and of all his past teachers. He thought of everyone that he's ever wronged and everyone that's ever done him wrong. He thought of how this would be better for everyone.

What's the use of feeling blue?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro choked on his tears, He hated October period. 
> 
> That was it. 
> 
> This month was terrible.

It’s the third of October  
You should come over

The cool autumn air whistled harshly against the windows, it scratching at the panes of glass and bricks of the old home. Inside sat Shiro, leaned back against the wall as he sat on the sill with pillows propped up under and around him. Watching, with loathsome eyes as the leaves float in the window only to fall to the ground and settle alongside its brethren.  
He hated October third.

Pushing himself up, swatting at the air behind him as he strode his way out of the small room. The further he got from the window, the further the light reached. The tall man made his way through the home into the kitchen where the light ceased to shine. Shutters were closed blocking out the sun’s golden rays. On flickered the artificial lighting. A heavy sigh erupted from his chest, walking into the kitchen, each step muffled from the socks.

Shiro gazed around the dull room, the tile was clean but the counters were not. Mail scattered around as did empty containers, bottles, and plates. It all mingled together with pans and lose silverware. It was a mess, but a neat mess in ways. But through the clutter, he made his way to the wooden rack in the corner and grabbed an old bottle and two clean glass. “Might as well right?” He laughed weakly.  
Soon enough he stood in the darkness of the hallway but came a small flicker of light. Warmth. A candle was lit to show this beautiful photograph of a young man. “Hey..” Shiro spoke in a gentle tone as he knelt himself down and sat with his back against the wooden end table.

Best laid plans are not sober  
Maybe not the way we thought we planned

“It awhile hasn't it.” He chuckled out softly, weakly. His head leaned back as he popped open bottle and poured the red liquid into the two glasses. Raising one up into the air before he brought it to his lips. “What a year now?” Again the glass rose to his lips and he laughed. A real, booming laughter that filled the hallway. “You’ve missed a ton, man.. You know Keith got married finally” He snickered slightly at the thought, “The wedding was a mess, poor guy, lance I think his name was? I don’t remember, met him only a few times.” He shrugged as if he were really talking to someone. “They moved away shortly after the wedding, but Keith calls to catch up.” He explained the matter with his brother a bit more.

“Katie is fine too.” A grin pulled at his wine-stained lips, “She graduated with flying colors. You’d be proud of her.” His head fell forward, the white tuft of forelock falling before his dark eyes. “She’s grown into a fine young woman.”  
But both of us will take this hand

For a couple of days  
Then we’ll disappear

\---

“Kashi! Come on aren’t you excited!” The young man bounced around the room all perky. “It’s just Halloween.” Shiro shrugged, “What’s the allure?” The man beside him gasped loudly, he turned on his heels, pulling the cape with him as he did so. “What even are you supposed to be?” Shiro asked, Matt, grinned brightly and put a hand on his hip, while the other held the staff out, “I’m a space rebel! I made you a costume too, come on dress up with me.” Shiro made a face, but the look on the others was too cute, fluttering eyelashes and bright smile. “Fine!” He gave in and tossed his hands up. “But if you start singing that witch doctor song again I’m throwing the Bayard at you.” A cackle resounded from behind him “But I am in love with you, and that witch doctor told me what to do.” Shiro groaned hearing the obnoxious noises from the other as he off key sang to that terribly Halloween song.

 

\---  
We don’t have to talk  
Of, where we go from here

Shiro choked on his tears, He hated October period. That was it. This month was terrible. “You, you really did love halloween..” His hand went to his face as he tried to hide the fact he was almost in tears. What use was it though? He was sitting in the hallway by himself with no one around him. At least that’s what he thought, “I still have that costume you know.” He spoke with his tone hitching in the back of his throat. “The one you made two years ago..it’s in the closet.” With a shaking hand he rose a glass to his lips, the drink splashed from the sides and out onto his shirt and the floor around him. But all he did was groan and continue his actions, drinking the last bit of wine.

His phone rang. Again he groaned, pushing himself up from the spot on the floor. Picking up the glass that was beside him and sitting it by the photograph.

Oh, my dearly departed

“Yes, pidge?” Shiro answered to hear an excited scream from the girl on the other end, He had to hold the phone away because of it. “Shiro! You have to come out with us, Keith and Lance have matching costumes.” There was a sigh, “Please, Pretty please.” She begged, sounding just like how Matt used to. “It’s not even Halloween.” He tried to plead his case but she grumbled something to another. “It’s an early Halloween party. It’s gonna be some big fun!” She cheered. When it went silent for a moment her mood shifted and voice went softer. “Shiro it’s been a year since Matt killed- passed away..” She sighed, “Come join us, he loved Halloween you know this.” She was smiling and Shiro knew it all too well.

He thought for a moment, He had been out now and then but he had been swamped with work and everything... It was probably time to take a break. “Alright, text me the address, I’ll be over in a few.” Pidge could be heard telling the others and from behind her came an excited jumble of voices cheering.

My dearly departed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whooo coping with depressing ass shatt.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “On the phone, I told you I loved you before you went to bed. But you didn’t go to bed.” Tears slipped down his face, thank god he faced away from Matt.

Music was one of the few things he remembers from that night, the music. How it was so loud and carried through the house like the autumn wind that howled just outside. It wasn’t bad music that’s for sure, Lance had control of the music playing. Mostly Gorillaz and some few other bands that he couldn’t place the name of. Either way, he lazily swayed to himself most of the party. Eyes bored, costume a flook. This wasn’t exactly how he was planning on spending today. An early Halloween party really? He wouldn’t say it but it was a silly idea. 

We’re so miserable and stunning 

“What happened to you, You used to love Halloween.” Keith slurred, he slid his way other to the taller of the two. Almost falling into the man and spilling his drink, Shiro caught him before the punch could go everywhere. “It’s not Halloween yet.” He answered blandly. Somewhere off in the house pidge could be heard yelling: “It’s always Halloween you fuck!”. Shiro shook his head a little, steading Keith to his feet. The raven-haired man grumbled, tossing his arm out which in turn slushed out the drink. “Yeah what she said, Come on, don’t be such a downer.” A heavy sigh was resounded, “Why don’t you go bug Lance, he seems oh so lonely.” (Lance really didn’t, he had maybe four different women around him all giggling and touching his arm. Obviously flirting was going on). Keith shot his head towards his spouse, “No he doesn’t!” Shiro winced from his loud Keith yelled that out, “Back up off he’s mine!” Keith started to shout as he made his way over.

He remembered the music playing very clearly, trying to drink his body weight in the red fruit punch that had been labeled ‘health’. Probably Pidge that did so, Shiro thought it was pretty clever but at the moment he was too focused on the blurred lyrics playing, bass that filled his head and shook his bones. Till everything went silent. 

We might have said goodbyes just a little soon

Was it just him that the music went quiet for? It must have been as everyone else was still dancing up against each other. “Hey, debbie downer.” A voice chimed out, a voice Shiro knew all too well. Every cell in his body went cold and tense, “Excuse me?” He turned to follow the voice but there was no one behind him. Maybe he was hearing things? He had to have been... There was no way /that/ voice could have been heard. 

“Kashi~” 

There was that voice again? Shiro spun on his heel which caught a few glances his way but he ignored them nevertheless. No music played. What was happening? Was it the punch? “Way to go shiro you drank the Kool-Aid.” He grumbled to himself, slapping a hand to his face and pinching the bridge of his nose. Sitting the red cup down, shiro was quick to slip away off to the bathroom. Way to go, end up in a Halloween party and go hide in the bathroom. Rolling his eyes shiro shut the wooden door behind him. 

Still no music. He leaned over the clean, white counter and flicked the water on. It was cold and felt nice against his face, but did little to bring him back to the world. “What the hell is going on with you?” Shiro spat at himself, leaning up. As water dripped down his face there it was behind him. He jumped at the sight, abruptly spinning around to be face to face with the man he thought he’d never see again. 

“Matt?”

We’re the has-beens of husbands

“It’s about time you saw me!” The man? before him exclaimed. “What - what are you..?” Shiro sputtered out, he seemed paler. Losing all color at the sight. Was it Matt? But it couldn’t be Matt - he had the letter still! They had the funeral, he saw the body, /his/ body in the casket. And yet, there he was. Those eyes that were once the shade of honey whiskey now seemed duller, semi- foggy even. His hair was shiny with grease, it no longer bouncy and curly like it had been at one point in time. Matt was paler, his freckles less prominent and lips were chapped. If shiro were to glance down he’d see the outfit he wore was the same old NASA shirt he always wore just now had such a large, dried stain on the side, those mom jeans that started as a joke but he ended up really liking them, the little stars were still drawn on the cuffs- and the wore out timberlands. “I’m dead that’s what.” 

Sharpening the knives of young wives

Shiro stumbled back nearly fainting, “Way to put it bluntly!” Matt laughed at the others words, and shiro went wide-eyed at the sound. That was his laugh, that perfect, bright laughter that used to have him head over heels. “You really are him..” He mumbled which caused the other to roll his eyes. “Well no duh, who else would I be?” But when he went to pull Matt in he passed right through the thin wrist. And that’s when everything came crashing in on him, he really was just a ghost. 

That almost a year ago his best friend, his boyfriend really did take his own life into his hands. Shiro started to tear up some which had Matt tossing his hands up in a frantic. “No, no Takashi don’t-” He sputtered his words in that way that once upon a time, shiro loved. Just not now, now was awful to hear that tone sputter so cutely. “You aren’t real.” Shiro had to brace himself back against the bathroom sink, the other hand went to his face to shield his eyes away from the ghost of sorts. 

Take two years and call me when you’re better

“Of course I’m real Shiro!” Matt tried to protest, he stepped forward but when he himself went to comfort shiro, he passed through him. It hurt in an odd sort of feelingless way. Matt froze as if he actually was standing there. Looking at his hands, slowly turning them over again and again. “Shiro I’m scared..” Matt mumbled softly, his own tears were filling in his eyes. It pained at Shiro's heart to know he couldn’t wipe them away. 

Don’t you wonder when the light begins to fade?

Shiro sunk down to sit on the floor, which Matt did so as well only across from the other. Back ‘against’ the bathtub. “It’s normally all black and suddenly there I was again.” He began, still staring down at his hands with eyes full of fear. This caught all of Shiro’s attention. With dark eyes boring heavily onto the man before him. What caused this to happen? Why was he back, why wasn’t he /completely/ back. “Matt why.” Shiro cut him off, it was a question he still didn’t have an answer for. Foggy honey eyes lost all their color right before Shiro’s eyes, “Why what.” He broke this awful smile that neither of them believed. “Matthew, you know what I’m asking.” 

There was a long pause, leaving the air to hang heavy between the two of them. Nothing but unspoken words were being exchanged from no more than the look in their eyes. The air felt stale, about as stale as Matt had gone. “I was in a bad place.” He mumbled, breaking eye contact finally to cast it down to his jeans. “You could have come to someone.” Shiro’s voice broke, he knew he was going about this all the wrong way but there was no going back. “You could have come to me..” He extended a shaky hand only to pull it back knowing he couldn’t take Matts on his own. 

And the clock just makes the colors turn to grey

“I know, I know!” Matt tangled his fingers into the mop of flaccid curls, he gripping tightly on them. “I should have asked for help... I shouldn’t have taken the easy way out.” He choked out, leaving Shiro to feel guilty for bringing it up. “I felt so alone in it all shiro..” The other’s name felt so bitter as it rolled off his tongue. “I didn’t think you would listen to me. I thought you would think it was a bother and stupid and just tell me to shake it off.” Matt started to rub at his arms, he felt cold, shiro did too but that might have just been the fact that he was in the same room as a ghost. “Matt..” He mumbled weakly, wanting to hug him and mumble into his hair that that wasn’t the case at all. “I don’t want your pity.” Matt spat out, which had them both surprised. “I struggled with that for so long.” And that’s when shiro snapped, “Matt you know damn well what all I told you! I was your friend, your -” He choked on what he almost said, “I went to /you/ when I was having my panic attacks. I always told you, you could do the same for me no matter the problem.” He tried, raising his voice a little till it fell. “But you took the selfish way out. You left everyone who loved you all for a problem you couldn’t fix.” There was a pain in his eyes, “We could have fixed it, we could have helped and gotten you better.” 

Forever younger growing older just the same

Matt was gaping at what shiro was saying, “You didn’t try to fix the problem, you made it worse for everyone else.” He pushed himself up from the ground, “And had the audacity to write to us.” Shiro almost left but he couldn’t there was so much he wanted, so much he needed to say. “We talked that night, remember.” He suddenly changed the tone of his voice. Going from tense and angry to the softness of almost about to cry, “On the phone, I told you I loved you before you went to bed. But you didn’t go to bed.” Tears slipped down his face, thank god he faced away from Matt. It wasn’t much help as there was the ghost before him, only in a blink of an eye. “You didn’t say it back, you said it in that stupid letter!” He spat out, tears passing through the ghost as they made their way to the ground. “That I… I still have..” 

Matt had written four letters that night, one for his parents, one for his sister, one for shiro and the other was for everyone else. Each talked about things he did wrong, things he loved about them and him saying he would love them forever. That this was his war and he lost this battle, which ended the war. It broke them all down on different levels, Katie was never the same and his parents were never the same since then. Katie, or pidge as she liked to go by now seemed to always speak of how her parents coddled her now, always double checking and making sure she had everything she ever needed. 

They still didn’t dare go into Matt’s old room. Even now, a full year later. 

All the memories that we make will never change

“I loved you, Matthew Holt.” Shiro sniffled back as he wiped his tears onto his sleeve, “You would have still been here if you had felt the same” The words were bitter but true. Matt did love shiro, but obviously, his own pain and selfishness was enough to blind him to how everyone else would have felt when he was gone. He made things worse for everyone. 

You’ll never burn as bright as the light behind your eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ghost Matt...? I honestly don't know, I thought it would be cool for October and since he was at a Halloween party? You know -

**Author's Note:**

> I use this series as a coping skill when I'm struggling with my own battles and demons. So I use Matt instead of actually doing anything to myself. It just helps to get the pain out.
> 
> For more info or feedback I'm on tumblr @morgsvldfics


End file.
